*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
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Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
*exercises sarcastically*
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Worth remembering.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.