[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
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[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
This bar smells like my childhood.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”