me and my fake scenarios
You Might Also Like
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Animal poetry
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.