*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
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Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Same pineapple, same
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Oh. My. God.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.