These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
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Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.