one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
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My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon