Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
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Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.