Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
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if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.