[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
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I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
the prophecy has been fulfilled
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach