Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
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when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.