if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
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Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?