15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
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Finished stitching this today 😇
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms