Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
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Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.