Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
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Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought