[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
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INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap