When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
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Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..