coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
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be the person your targeted ads think you should be
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.