Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
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Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
War & Peace
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Important
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.