*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
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Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”