Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
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I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I found your tweet-up…
What number SPF blocks people?
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.