Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
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“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Well, that didn’t work.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.