Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
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Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be