My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
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Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.