Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
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The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
I’m giving up for Lent.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life