Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
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Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Alexa: *deep breath*
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you