The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
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Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.