*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
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Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.