It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
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One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
bury ourselves
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Bringing home a sharpie
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Today’s Times
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.