DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
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I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Pandas 🐼🖤
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer