Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
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If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.