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Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.