Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
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If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.