Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
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Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that