Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
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*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I would like even faster food.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic