[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
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I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.