The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
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Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.