Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
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History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Whoa 😂
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
God making man in his image was the original selfie
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Never let them know your next move 😂