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I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Education is vital
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.