I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
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I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
congratulations to them
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Goat cheese is for herders.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.