[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
You Might Also Like
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.