*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Put this video in the Louvre
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free