the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
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My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.