Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
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Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”