ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
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Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Every time.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?