This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
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SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Dance like you’re not the father
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
🤣🤣🤣
me logging onto twitter
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue