[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
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Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
My favorite female superhero
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
This squirrel eats better than I do
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.