It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
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*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
2022 be like
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
🤣🤣🤣
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?