Not being an heiress has ruined my life
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If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.