this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
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doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
You deplete me
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
me before I type out affect or effect
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.