the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
You Might Also Like
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs